Here’s how to be a terrible writer, in ten simple steps.
I. Constantly compare yourself to better writers.
The biggest thing you have to learn from more successful writers is how much of a failure you are. They say don’t compare your Chapter One to someone else’s Chapter Twenty, but you absolutely should. Literally, in this case.
Here’s a helpful exercise: read one page from your rough draft, then read one page of your favorite book. Repeat until you cry.
Comparison is a tool. It’s like a hammer, and you’re the nail.
Look to your favorite writers. Don’t let their stories inspire you, let them discourage you. After all, you should be as successful as they are, but you aren’t, are you? That’s pathetic. Tell yourself that every morning.
II. Keep your writing to yourself.
Give into fear and never get feedback on your work. Writing is vulnerable. If you’re writing fiction, you’re letting other people into your imagination, sharing your dreams with them. And they might have thoughts on how you can improve your writing.
Some people will tell you constructive criticism is good. Those people are lying. They just want you to suffer.
Editors are blood-sucking parasites. They are your worst enemies. Treat them as such. If your friend ever gives you advice about writing, they are now your enemy too. If you make the mistake of sharing your writing with your family, and anyone offers even the slightest bit of constructive criticism, disown your family. Preferably, leave the country as well.
The only time you should ever release your writing for others to read is if you can make a quick buck from publishing a book with as little effort as possible. And I can’t emphasize this enough: don’t get an editor to work on your book before you publish it.
III. Don’t be curious.
Only read books that align with your values and likes to the letter. Don’t read anything intellectually challenging. Don’t try to expand your artistic taste.
Don’t consume anything that didn’t come out this year. Better yet, don’t consume anything that’s more than an hour old. In the age of the internet, the past is irrelevant. Shakespeare? Who’s that?
And even with contemporary works, be discerning with what you read, watch, and listen to. There’s a lot of thought-provoking art out there, and it ought to be avoided like the plague. The internet is full of echo chambers, so find yours and stay there. If you like fantasy, only read fantasy. If you love a book, ignore any criticism of it.
You should never feel uncomfortable when engaging with a piece of art. You should never doubt yourself. After all, writers don’t write to explore questions and mysteries. They write only to preach messages they know to be true. You, as a writer, are an enlightened being. Everything you already think is completely correct. There’s no need for artistic curiosity or intellectual humility.
IV. Intimidate yourself.
Tell everyone you’re writing your magnum opus before you’ve written the first sentence. Build up the idea of what it could be in your mind and other people’s minds to the point where you’re intimidated to put down a single word.
Writing should be scary. It should be sacred, to the point where you don’t feel worthy of writing at all.
Imagine all the awards your book will receive. Tell yourself that every word has to be perfect. If something you write isn’t flawless, scrap it.
Writing shouldn’t be enjoyable. Approach it with the utmost trepidation and seriousness.
V. Consume passively and constantly.
Learn about writing but never try to do it. Binge videos about writing but never implement the tips. Read books but never ask yourself what makes them good or bad. Always be stimulated; never let yourself be bored. Boredom will lead to thinking, and the only thing you have time for is consuming and regurgitating what you consume on the page.
Challenge yourself to spend as much time as you can on social media. 12 hours of screen time a day is the bare minimum, but really try to bring it higher. For maximum efficacy, spend at least 20 hours a day online. Don’t consume content that inspires you, but content that leaves you feeling drained and depressed. Let the algorithm rule your life.
Let your attention span dwindle until you can’t stay focused long enough to finish writing a paragraph. You’ll know you’re really succeeding when you can’t even finish a sentence.
VI. Avoid consistency and commitment.
Never finish anything. Distract yourself with your newest ideas, and never dedicate yourself to seeing a story through to the end. Treat writing a book not like a marathon, but like a very short and very optional sprint. There are so many ideas to choose from, why bother choosing at all?
Switch from one story to another and another. Become a master of starting projects, and never learn to finish them.
Don’t establish a writing habit. Consistency is boring. Instead, be as haphazard as possible. Don’t have a plan. Don’t set deadlines. Don’t hold yourself accountable. Your writing process should feel chaotic and directionless. This will help encourage you to abandon each story you start before it’s finished.
VII. Neglect your health.
Writing shouldn’t be a sustainable activity. Spend your nights staring blankly at the blinking cursor. Be a starving artist. Literally. Do not eat.
To make art is to suffer. That is an incontrovertible fact. Or if it isn’t, at least people will be impressed when they hear how you didn’t sleep for a straight week to edit your first chapter.
Don’t take care of yourself. Don’t take breaks or set boundaries. Avoid sunlight like you’re a vampire. Move as little as humanly possible. Getting enough sleep and hydration can improve brain function, which you don’t want.
If you don’t look like you’ve aged a decade after writing your book, you haven’t written a good book.
VIII. Become a recluse.
Writers are meant to be lonely. Some might argue that you can get inspiration and material to write better books by going places and meeting people. But trust me—you should avoid interacting with the outside world as much as possible.
Never go to events or new places. Shut out other people. Get stuck in habits and familiarity. Avoid the novel to write your novel.
We don’t write books to better understand other people or our world. We write books to complain about how worthless and boring everything is. The less you engage with the world, the truer this will seem.
IX. Don’t be an artist.
Artistic integrity is passé. Don’t stay true to your voice and vision. Compromise at every opportunity. Don’t strive to write something of worth; strive to write something anodyne and easily marketable. Write for the lowest common denominator.
It’s the 21st century. People want content, not art. They don’t want something original, they want something they’ve seen a million times before in a slightly new package.
Rush the creative process. Plagiarize if you want to. Why bother writing anything at all? Get ChatGPT to write your book. Art is dead, and it’s taking artists with it. So don’t be one.
X. Give up.
Writing a book is a challenge. It can be incredibly rewarding… but who cares about that? It’s also incredibly frustrating. When things get hard, and they will, listen to that voice in the back of your head telling you to give up. Truly, it has your best interests at heart.
Most people who want to write a book never will. Join the majority. It’s comfortable with the masses.
By all means, chase your dreams. Follow that other voice compelling you to tell stories. But the moment you run into an obstacle, feel the slightest hint of resistance, or consider how long the road ahead is… stop. If you have any self-doubt, that means you’re not meant to be a writer. So the best thing you can do is give up, and never give yourself the chance to succeed.
If you follow these steps, I guarantee you will become a terrible writer. I wish you the best of luck.
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– Grayson Taylor
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